What I Meant Was...

Took the vehicle in for a lube job (oil change).  Was asked to wait in the Parlor (waiting room).  Helped myself to an aromatic cup of ale (shitty coffee).  Excused myself to use the powder room (filthy toilet).  While using the exquisite (disgusting) lavatory, I was immediately compelled to scurry onward (dart the fuck outa there).  Once again, I found myself lounging on a rustic chaise (old ass couch) in the parlor (what?).  My early departure from the perfumed (rancid) lavatory left me longing to paint my face in vibrant (whore like) colors.  Reluctant and certain someone else must have been enjoying (regretting) the bathroom as much as I had, I decided to delve into my magical bag of wonders (turn around cream & make-up) right where I was sitting.  I reached in and pulled out a wonderful device known to take away shine (oil spills & enlarged pores) on faces.  I began to gently pat (smear it on like it was saving my life) it on my face. 

Next, I chose an inspiring shade to brighten my eyes (black to make me look sexy).  As I was lightly (heavy handed & quickly) dabbing it around my eyes, a gentleman (an annoying prick) began to cough (WTF?) & point to the powder room (fucking hell hole).  As the lady that I am, I decided to (passively but obviously) ignore the young chap (aging unhappy man).  However, my attempts to continue & finish applying my daily glow (whore face), were once again interrupted.  For some reason, this man sternly believed that I needn't be applying make-up while in the waiting area.  My polite nature began to dwindle with his last motion and glances to the most disgusting bathroom (besides a biffy) that I've ever seen.  I could feel my blood begin to pulse.  I felt my "Who the fuck do you think you are" Nature begin to take over.   Instead of making mention to him about the exact awfulness of the bathroom, I decided to go down a different path.  While holding my mascara pen in my hand, I politely turned to him and said, "What? It's not like I'm over here jacking off."  

He turned and looked forward with "no" response.  I continued to apply my make-up happily without being bothered.  The moral of this tale: Mind Ur Own Fucking Business!         

Sweetie Von Cutenstien, "The Writer"

I hate blogging but since I'm a good writer...I'm only doing this to get Julia off my back. She thinks I should start my own blog. Yadi Yadi Yada.

For those of you that don't know me. . .which is very few of you and if you don't you are unimportant. . . .I'd like to tell you a little about myself. I'm 16yrs old which means I can do & say whatever the fuck I want!

Turn ons:

• Snacks (including but not limited to: cheese, meat & fish)
• Sleeping
• Knocking over drink glasses (they get up, go into the kitchen, which means: SNACKS)
• Jane Austin novels
• Snuff Porn
• Dudeski
• My red blanket (years later my pulitzer prize winning novel will be called: Red Blanket Diaries)
• I found out today, Sour Cream is a new turn on
• Hissing at the homeless from a safe distance
• Cap napping on the bodies of my passed out persons (they don't move & they're warm)

 

I own U not the other way around!

 Turn offs:

• Dresses
• Use ur own damn litter box
• Naked Humans. . .
• Loud noises
• Tarintino films
• Tarintino in general
• Decorative fountains (What are you trying to drown me?....dicks)
• Car rides
• Dudeski
• Booze (damn drunks)
• Kenny G.
• Nancy Spungen
• Romie (Self indulgent prick mutt)
• The metric system

Now that you know I'm just an average cat. . . except that I'm superior in every way. The people I own, Julia & Trevor are so called, "comedians." Even though they don't take my advice or use the jokes I give them! I give them comedic gold! 

Look at these idiots!

I write jokes for Dane Cook For SphynX Sakes! I harbor more comedic talent in one tiny claw then they could ever dream of having. Julia has lost two of her comedy writing notebooks in the year she's been at it. That was just me doing her a favor. They're way funnier in the trash. You're welcome! As for Trevor, I'm hoping one of his many suicide jokes will come to pass. I'd like to sink my one fang into is fresh corpse. He has a sweet ass.

Maybe now since I'm blogging....you'll listen to me and use this joke that I gave you last week you never added to ur set: "What is big, green & would kill you if it fell out of a tree?" "A PingPong Table!" lol hahaha that is GOLD! Here's another: "What do you do with a screaming child?" "Suffocate IT!" Bawhahahaha!

I hope you two never have a child. A child needs humor in their life & you two are NOT FUNNY! WAIT...I FORBID U TWO FROM Having a CHILD! I OWN YOU TWO! If you go & have a child, you will lose me. You talentless hacks need me. All of my great advice falls on deaf ears but that's okay. . . I'm planting seeds of wisdom in your little pin-head brains. One day you will know what an asset I am to you!

-Sweetie out

DEMANDS:

• I WANT AN ELEPHANT

(By: Julia & Trevor but mostly Sweetie Von Cutenstein)

Serious Mom to Son Masterbating Chat

When my son was 12 my mother came to and told me that she had something to tell me.  She told me it was private but proceeded to speak in front of my siblings.  She looked at me quite strangely and said, "David was engaging in something in the tent while we were camping."  I said, "yeah, what?"  She proceeded with, "he thought I was asleep but i wasn't."  I replied, "did he fart?" Shit his pants?"  She said, "no....he was involved."

Just to mess with my mom I said, "was he slapping the ham?"  Her response, "we didn't have a ham with us."  I interjected, "was he spanking the monkey?"  Mom, "I don't even know what that means."  Me, "jacking off."  Mom, "OMG don't talk like that Julie Mae and yes."  

It was decided that I needed to have a little chat with my son. I let a few days pass because I had to grow a pair in order to bring this up to him.  I decided to have this chat on a day I would be home when he got home from school.  He walked in. I sat him down. . . .

THE CONVERSATION WENT LIKE THIS:

Me: "Hello son"  Son: "Hi mom" (he was happy and then he wasn't)  Me: "Sit Down" Son, "ok" Me: We need to talk about something (like most men...he looked scared as he well should have been).  "Son, does this (I motioned my pointer finger to look like an erect penis) sometimes happen to a certain body part of yours?"  Son: while hanging his head, "yes."  Me:   "Well..it's normal for boys that are maturing.  Sometimes it might even happen at school, in ur grandmas tent or maybe even with ur friends.  If it happens with ur friends, it doesn't mean ur gay."  WTF?  Looking back on this I was totally lost and my son prob was too! 

"At this point he's hanging his head and not saying anything"

Me: "These are called, "NRB's"  'No Reason Boners.'  It happens to boys in junior high.  It happens to all ur friends.  If they don't get one they're lying. But don't talk about it with ur friends."

Me: "If you get one.... There are ways to get rid of em (nods as if he knows how to get rid of a boner).  But you can't get rid of it when anyone else is around! OR..if ur in a tent with ur grandma on a camping trip."  

ME:"For example..you might think ur grandmas asleep but she's not." (son still hanging his head)

"Ur goal to getting rid of "(motion finger)" this....is to do what you need to do when NO ONE Else is around!"  ME: I can't stress "WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND" enough!"

 Me: "Do you understand?"  Son: "Yes, can I go to my room now?" (I didn't see him all night. . . .)

BEFORE YOU COMMENCE IN "(motion the finger) IN ANY GETTING RID OF NRB... FOLLOW THIS SIMPLE CHECK LIST FIRST:

1. Make sure no one is in the room.

2. Make sure grandma is sleeping. Did she take her ambien? Is she snoring?

3. Just don't do it around anyone unless you have seen them take ambien and it's been an hour since they fell   asleep.

4. In the event you can't take care of it....set something very heavy on ur lap or a pillow.

The more you take care of it urself the less likely you are to get a girl pregnant.  If you ever get close to a girl, USE A CONDOM! 

My son is now 22, he's chosen to block this conversation out of his memory.  However he does remember,  "It doesn't mean ur gay."   (I wouldn't have minded if he was) 

Study about optimism was a waste of time. .

Recently, I read an article in Time magazine, "Where Optimism Lives."  It discussed scientific facts that aren't new findings...basically, humans live longer and are healthier if they're positive thinkers. 

Science says, "humans are wired for optimism."  It's not surprising that life changes and certain negative events in ones life will have a negative effect on the level of optimism we harbor.  Studies have been done on terminally ill patients.  The optimists among the groups lived longer.  The same would be true for those without illnesses.  This isn't new information to report.  Basically, be happy and treat yourself and others well (kind of a general rule)...etc.  However, the same study says optimists are more likely to sensationalize memories and future events than pessimists.  Meaning, these folks remember events and happenings different than how they actually happened.  In addition, they look at the future unrealistically.  Whatever does this mean?

As I continued reading, the article suggests that our brains are hardwired for hope and susceptible to inaccuracies because the neural system responsible for remembering episodes from our past might not have evolved for memory alone.  The system is not designed to perfectly replay past events.  It's designed to construct future scenarios in our minds.  The result, occasionally, details are deleted and others inserted.

Some participants in the study remembered stories of negative events from their past, however they turned the negative event into a positive one.  Researchers said when a person does this it makes their future more positive.  WTF?  I call those people liars and dementia patients. 

My findings:  only bible thumping Christians and elderly people participated in their study.

http://www.time.com/time/interactive/0,31813,2074277,00.html

The Night Twitter Was Lost

I logged onto twitter today to make sarcastic comments to tweets from strangers I pretend I'm friends with.  It's quite fun to throw ridiculousness at strangers.  Also risky.  I try to only follow comedians &/or strangers with a fine tuned sense of humor.  As my comedic jokeyness is often mistaken for abrasiveness by those that don't harbor a sense of humor.

Seems as though this evening for some strange reason denounced to everyone, twitter wasn't loading timelines & it showed ur profile having ZERO followers.  It caused mass panic among it's constituents.  Some twitterers have been engaged in this activity from the beginning of twitter (unlike me who was just looking for late night fun).  They've worked very hard to gain a following & maintain them.  It's quite a load of pressure to fulfil ur followers tweeting needs.  They're fickle. You can't tweet too much nor too little.  You can't offend a group or segment of the population.  BECUZ...dun dun dun, YOU WILL BE UNFOLLOWED! 

Tonight, for a brief period in time, a large portion of twitter enthusiasts thought a hacker had taken over their account & deleted ALL of their followers.  In addition, twitter wasn't responding.  It seemed as though NOT one single person was using this very popular social networking site.  Tweets of fear & terror reigned sovereign among those affected.   To this hour (two hours later), we still don't know the details of what led to this unthinkable occurrence.

This unfortunate occurrence led me to poke fun of the "offline" event by tweeting things like, "I starred out my window in a cold sweat, wondering what would become of us all." #whentwitterwasdown.  Also, "Twitter was offline & suicide hot lines were bombarded, I hope you didn't lose anyone."  Obviously, joking, it's still terrifying to think about.  So many people rely on their computer to keep up with current events, to make friends, to find dates, to post photos & keep up with other busy people..etc.  Would it be the end of the world if we didn't have these Internet sites?

Personally, it's fun to interact with others online.  I can sit at home & be with friends, sort of.  I do rather like sharing stories & funny quips via short little comments.  Could it be our obsession with texting, IMing, & tweeting will somehow be responsible for the downfall of  our gov't?   They already can't agree.  They're acting like children & can't, wait...WON'T agree on very simple solutions to move our country in the right direction.

I can't help but look at one simple tool that seems to be ruling our future.  Which is the need for constant validation & immediate gratification from technological tools.  Are we succumbing to what Nostradamus coined as the breakdown of our society, "the one eyed monster" ie: the Internet?   Is this blog post going in a direction that is getting too deep for me to handle?   YES!  Fuck!  WTF?

 I had no idea I was caging such rage for my late night addiction.  Maybe it's time for Julia to take inventory of her life & social networking interaction.  OR maybe not!  Maybe if you're lost with out those things, you should get a life.  Otherwise, try to just have fun with it!  Don't take it seriously.  It's not real life.  It's you hiding behind a computer & others liking you, disliking you, following you or unfollowing you.  If you take Facebook or Twitter seriously, you  may have a serious problem. AND if you do, ur probably the ones unfollowing me.  I'LL FIND YOU UNFOLLOWERS & HATERS!  LOL  

In the interim, I plan to continue having fun tweeting & facebooking all the while living my life to the fullest extent of the law.  Law?  Whatever.  WTF? & lol.  I plan to continue living outside of the web & the box.  I hope others are able to do the same & still maintain a content existence.  Remember my blog post about, "keeping it light?"  Try to remember to be light hearted through out ur day.  Mostly, becuz the world is a fucked up place & we can't afford to lose the real people among us.

Namaste.

Bachelor Party Awesomeness

When I was 13yrs old, I saw the trailer for the movie, Bachelor Party.  Instantly, I felt as though I had to see this movie!  My sense of humor was ahead of its time and it remains to this day, twisted.  I went to see it on a Saturday afternoon.  I paid to see the movie Top Secret but snuck into Bachelor Party instead.  I can't believe I didn't get caught, cuz I looked like I was 8yrs old.  Bachelor Party has become my favorite movie of all time.  To this day, I think if my mom knew that I did this, she would ground me for a month (teenage flash backs).  

Years later (and I mean years...I was 39), I had the to opportunity to meet the writer of Bachelor Party, Pat Proft (he lives in these parts and I call him all the time...he should have never given me his number).  He was amused by my little tale and demanded I give him $2.50 for sneaking in.  He let it slide when I told him the movie I paid for was Top Secret because he also wrote part of that movie.  Instead of making the situation awkward, I let him buy me a latte and a doughnut and I talked his ear off (cuz that's not awkward).  If you've never seen Bachelor Party, get ur ass to the store and buy it!  Or any movie written by Pat Proft, he's hilarious. 

Below is a story a friend of mine shared with me about his own experience with the movie, Bachelor Party.  It's totally CRAZY! :)

 
When I was younger, my parents didn't do much to limit what I watched. I grew up watching things like Trading Places, Vacation, Hamburger: The Motion Picture, Revenge of the Nerds and other classic 80s comedies. We didn't have cable when I was really young because we lived in NYC and network TV was good enough, so they'd tape the films for me off of network TV and they'd sit me down watching these movies over and over. (I watched Sesame Street too, but that wasn't on all day)

We moved to upstate NY, when I was 8 and we got cable. It was difficult for them to censor what I was watching, so they pretty much let me tape whatever I wanted. (my parents are old fashioned, foul mouth Italian folk, so I don't think they cared what I watched, to be honest, as long as I didn't repeat stuff.)

We used to watch Bachelor Party all the time. We had it taped, and my parents would watch it with my aunts and uncles when we had company. I was allowed to watch it, but only when they were around.

Somehow, as the story goes, I took the tape and started charging my neighbors to watch it. These were kids who were 10 or 11 and 5 or 6. haha One night, my father was approached by the kids' fathers who told him that I was charging their kids to watch pornos. My father actually defended me a little bit and argued that it wasn't a porno, but agreed that it was inappropriate.

So there was that...then...

Before I got married (I've since divorced), in planning my bachelor party with my brother, we bought the movie on DVD. There's a scene at the beginning where the wild guy goes over what he wants at the bachelor party (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6LhrNIVI7k). We joked that my bachelor party was gonna have these things.

Turns out, of course, there were chicks. My cousin brought back these sketchy girls to our room, and they pulled a knife on him, to which he threatened them with a (nonexistant) gun. There was a fire drill at the hotel we were at just as the entertainment arrived.

No drugs, though.

By: Jerry Papandrea

http://www.facebook.com/derryX
http://twitter.com/#!/derryX

A huge thank you to Jerry for sharing this story!!  Hahahahaha!  It beats mine for sure!!!

TSA should be called T-n-A

You haven't lived until you tell a TSA agent, "while ur down in my grill, could you do me a solid?  Just rub that cellulite gel (confiscated from my carry on) on my thighs or can I?"   She does respond with, "think ur funny do ya?"  I say, "yes."  I implore you...Should I be salty about the fact they're going to throw away my youth in a bottle?  Or should I be more salty about the next time I traveled & TSA completely overlooked it & it remained in my bag?  However, that same particular time, I was still singled out for a body scan. WTF?  Actually, the body scan was way better than getting felt up by an agent.  They literally get up close & personal - All up in UR  SHIT!  Should I be salty about the fact they're feeling me up & looking down my pants & haven't even bought me a drink?  Nervy.  Or should I be more salty that this happens to me every other time I travel?  WTF?

I get the fact that they have a job to do.  However, they're barking up the wrong tree.  Everyone who knows me quite understands that I DO know how to make a bomb.  It's pumpkin spice liquor and sprite mixed together.  How else?   TSA somehow sees a different me.  They see a mad scientist with cellulite gel that plans to attack travelers by saying, "Excuse me, if you don't give up ur first class seat to me, I'll zap the fat right off ur thighs."  Or they really think I know how to make a bomb.  *QUANDARY*  I don't even look mean.  Trouble?  Maybe.  I do have a mischievous appeal but it's more like I laugh inappropriately & I will fart on the plane, rather than stab people or blow things up. 

I've concocted a list of ideas one can use to get through TSA Checkpoints timely & not felt up.  This list is not to be abused by hijackers.  It's for people like me who just want to get on the damn plane and get to the beach.

Bake agents an apple pie

Don't speak unless spoken to but offer up the fact that ur some kind of donor (blood, organ etc. . )

Wear an outfit from:  Wholesale Old Lady Apparel

If you have cool hair, wear a hat

Don't wear "all black"

Borrow a kid to look maternal/paternal (make sure child has a poopy diaper on)

Too much smiling looks suspicious:  Smile less

Wheel an old person thru in a wheel chair (catheter or colostomy bag a plus)

Sunglasses are just too cool, put them away

Talk about golf

Don't say anything involving the word strip (including New York Strip)

Do talk about ur son whose named, Chip

Force urself to laugh at an agents "not" funny joke

If you would like to add to this list, please feel free to leave additions in the comment section.

This May or May Not Be True & if it isTrue it Happened to Someone Else

I was staying at a hotel in L.A just outside Korea town.  I didn't choose this place, priceline.com did.

It was the Wilshire Hotel to be exact.  Alright, it was in Korea town. Not a dump just old.  I could tell it must have been a thriving place in the 1920's -30's.  I had been in L.A for 5 days and really needed to do some laundry.  I decided not to take the front desk persons advice to ask the concierge where I might find a laundry mat and googled one instead or my friend did.  And that's when it all began.  WTF?

To my surprise there was one a mere 7blks away.  We loaded our bags and began the trek.  It was obvious that we were the only white people walking down the street.  Onlookers even stopped conversations to look at us.  We got a few whistles too.  We walked several blocks past the destination and decided that we were in some alternate universe and that our vacation in L.A had never really began.  Then we turned around and walked the other way.  WTF?

Eventually, we stumbled upon it (because we noticed a liquor store) in a strip mall.  I was surprised to find a Hispanic laundry in the middle of Korea town.  However, it had washers, dryers, Latin music pumping through shitty speakers, & Hispanic people starring at us.  So we stayed. WTF?

The first thing I did was break (accidentally) the machine where one purchases laundry soap out of. WTF?  My friend asked me, "didn't you read the directions?"  My response, "of course I did, this machine is crap."  I did brake it!  I didn't read the directions!  lol  Next, we loaded the machines with our clothes.  I borrowed quarters from my friend because I was afraid to work the change machine.  Meanwhile, a few Hispanic dudes were checking us out.  Shortly after, I realized I had to go #2!  WTF? This was one of those times where you just can't wait.  I found the bathroom.  It had a money box on the door.  One had to pay a quarter to use it.  So I ponied up a quarter.  For some reason my quarter wouldn't go in...so I shoved that sucker in.  I opened the door...only to find one of the Hispanic gentleman n the shitter in a half stand squat wiping his ass.  I screamed.  Curiosity got the best of my friend so she looked too.  We saw his hairy BO JANGLES!  WTF?   Miraculously, I lost my urge to have to poop.

Everyone in the place was laughing at the dumb white girl!  They thought it was so funny.  The man from the John came up to me and said, "common sense would tell you that someone was in there."  Yes, that's true for someone who understands Mexican asshole!  Everyone knew he was in there and didn't tell me!  WTF?


After a while, I noticed that the bathroom door was open.  I figured it had aired out from his dump so I went to take mine.  After flushing....I noticed the toilet was not flushing.  WTF?   Because...there was NO WATER in the back of the toilet!  WTF?   My friend didn't have her phone on her.  I was in that bathroom alone and panicking.  I wadded a bunch of toilet paper and tried to scoop it out into the garbage.  Meanwhile, some man tried to open the door on me (pay backs) WTF? and I screamed.  My friend also yelled from across the laundry at him.  This picking up shit with toilet paper was not working and it was FUCKING DISGUSTING.  I had been in this bathroom for too long.  It was hot and smelly and I was freaking out!  WTF?    FINALLY,  i checked my purse for anything that might help me (Valium, nose plug) and I found aspirin.  I dumped the bottle into my purse & used it to fill the back of the toilet with water!  TA DA!  I was able to flush the toilet and escape.  I ran out to my friend and told her, "we need to leave NOW!"  BUT, We had to wait for our clothes to dry.  I sat quietly with my sunglasses on.

Do you think they knew it was my shit in that garbage can?